$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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