too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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