you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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