Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
