Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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