I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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