is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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