She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
