If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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