Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
