Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
