you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
