There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
