I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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