i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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