APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
