I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
