I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
