On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize