Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
