you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
