I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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