FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i out mim tonsoeep
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