he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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