I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
