i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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