I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
