need another drink. this is the easiest way
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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