How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
