May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
