It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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