I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
