Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
