The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
