I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
