I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
