Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
