obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
