highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
