bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
