Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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