My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
