ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize