I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
