Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
