I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize