She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
