I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
