Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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