I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
