Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
