He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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