alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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