new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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