I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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