i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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