and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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