She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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